Friday, 12 June 2015

Blurry days and blurry blood sugar levels

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It's been a blurry year. Things have been all over the place - and I'm not just talking about  Diabetes management - there's also been big changes to my work and home life (both for the better) but it's cause havoc all round. Emotionally, physically and every other ally. 

I'm feeling a bit down at the moment but I think it's important to focus on the positive. I'm moved out to a new place on a farm with my fiance. It's bigger, warmer and the kitchen is amazing. I love it! Something about the peace and quiet keeps me sane. I also had my lowest A1c level in about 8 years, due to hard work as well as starting on the pump in Oct 2013. Work life has been all over the place due to a turnaround of staff but we have a lovely lady now on board for our team of three and it should be settled for the next 9 months and generally means my work load is lighter. 

What I'm struggling with is the forwards and backwards nature of diabetes management and generally lifestyle management. I had an appointment with my Diabetes Nurse Educator and my a1c had gone up 12 points (just over 1%) and since joining the gym in March my weight has also gone up. ARRRRRRRRGGGGH

I cried at my appointment. Not at the numbers themselves but at the backwards slant the numbers has taken. It's so bloody frustrating. It feels like one step forward three steps back. My DNE is great though, she took one look at my a1c and said "You are not getting enough insulin". Something about that statement made me okay with it. As if, it's not all my fault. We tweaked basal and carb ratio rates.

 I felt terrible leaving that appointment but I think it helped to build resilience. I'm pretty determined to up the gym sessions and increase the healthy foods. I don't necessarily think I'm doing anything too wrong but with moving house, sickness and general stress in the last three months has meant an unhealthier lifestyle. Then again, maybe I do need a heck of shake up in order to make the changes I need. We've also talked about me starting on some metformin and my DNE was very clear to say it's not to say that I've failed but that my body is generally insulin resistant. I'll try it because I trust my DNE but I hate the idea of being on more medication and I hate that I can't change my lifestyle in order to prevent this. 

I'm feeling determined but I've been in this place before and the stagnation of not having better management is soul destroying. I have spent years trying to get my a1c below 7.5% but I just struggle to break that barrier and simply, I have not had an a1c that low in about 9 years. I was diagnosed 11 years ago and don't have my a1c numbers from then so it's highly likely the last time I had an a1c that low was prediagnosis. It's a goal that's been in my mind for the last 3-4 years. This week I felt a huge sense of frustration and felt like the numbers/test results/levels were consuming me. I'm trying to ride this feeling for a bit instead of blocking it away. It's shit. But life can be like that. I think human nature can be too muffling to negative feelings. The response to having a bad day is usually one of solutions of how to fix it. Sometimes it's a shit day or shit week and that is just that. I'm trying to ride that feeling, I don't want to feel like that again and it's more likely that I won't if I remember that feeling and not hide it away. 

It's a long blog post for me tonight. I've had a few feelings and thoughts to sort through and writing helps. 

Just gotta keep on keeping on.  

Monday, 11 May 2015

I Can - D Blog Week 2015

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I had promised myself that I would spend last weekend having a think about all my blog topics and really try and do them justice.
Instead, I forgot and now I'm tip typing away while I sit on a bus on my way into work.
I guess I'm supposed to feel empowered by this topic but I can't help but feel disemppwered. I think in a roundabout sort of way that's a good thing though. How will I know if I feel empowered unless I've felt the other side of it? The powerlessness of disempowerment? So I can't help but sit and think about all the times Diabetes has frustrated me, brought me to tears and that one time I threw my meter across the room.
After thinking all of this I take a step back in my mind, readjust my way of thinking and ponder all the things I'm proud of.
- My 4.5 year relationship and soon to be marriage (bring on March 2016!). I'm proud to have a healthy strong relationship where we can communicate effectively and have fun. And I have someone always offering snuggles after a crappy D day.
- My education. I have two degrees, one in Law and an honours degree in Classics. They represent my university years, my all nighters, my library sessions and a lot of hard work.
- My diabetes management. I spent a whole bunch of time trying to pretend I didn't have diabetes, ignoring the bsl's, the lethargy from high blood sugars and my health in general. About 3 years ago I finally started to be an active participant in my health, fast forward 3 years and I'm now rocking life with an insulin pump. My managment still isnt where I'd want it to be but I'm rocking my lowest A1c in 8 years.
All of these I'm damn proud of. They're all things I can, and have done!

Edit: I think I'm supposed to put the link to Karen's magic linky list of other blogs -  am currently blogging from cellphone so I can't put up the link but will next time I'm at the computer! 

Monday, 26 January 2015

And we're now in 2015

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Oh hello 2015. You crept up on me!
I like new years, new starts. I feel like i've been given a whole new slate that is open to a world of possibilities.

It's a recurring pattern of mine to start off with a fresh new week/year/month with best intentions if exercising regularly, blogging more, eating healthily, basal testings etc. Eventually my best intentions fall to the way side and I struggle to follow through.

I don't know the best way to combat this but I am determined to bring that a1c down, to exercise more and to generally feel healthier and I know that blogging keeps me on track!